My (very opinionated) Relationship Advice

Have you ever heard the quote that says "you have to meet a few wrong people in life in order to realize when you meet and appreciate the right one"? Well I am a firm believer in it. Had I not dated the wrong guys before meeting my husband, I wouldn't know just how good we have it. Maybe I would think every relationship falls together so well like ours does. Then, maybe I wouldn't treat our relationship with such care, because I wouldn't realize how special it is. Anyway, I will get to my point and stop boring you with the lovey-dovey marriage talk...

I see people stay in relationships that are wrong for them all of the time out of convenience, security, desperation, denial, and other excuses to drag out the inevitable. I used to be one of them, so I understand how easy it is to stay in a relationship while ignoring all the things wrong with it. If you haven't met the right person yet then you kind of don't know any better. Seriously, you don't know any better, because if you did know of something better then why would you stay where you are?

I tell friends that ask me for advice what I think they should not look for, but demand in a relationship. I don't believe in settling. I believe when you meet the right person, things sort of fall into place and it's not hard but rather quite easy. By that, I mean that I don't think people should have to change who they are, and that their true personalities will mesh well together. I don't think two people who are right for each other will argue very often at all, either. I often get the response, "Becca, it doesn't happen for everyone this way." And I don't buy it- it's just another excuse for not demanding something better for themselves. I'm not advocating ending a relationship over an argument or a different perspective. I am advocating ending a relationship if the fundamental elements of a relationship aren't there.

What are these "fundamental elements"? Many well-qualified people have made their own list and since I am just a 25 yr. old girl with a B.S. degree in marketing and psychology that has been married only 2 years, you should take their advice, not mine. But this is my blog, so my fundamental elements are what matters here :)

My opinion is the 3 most important aspects of a relationship are mutual love, trust, and respect. Sounds so simple and obvious, right? Everyone wants and expects these, right? Well then why do so many relationships lack at least one of the three? I am not talking about simply caring about someone's well being, trusting them to go out by themselves, and respecting them enough to not make fun of their wierd family member. I am talking in broad terms and on a deeper level. Do you love this person solely and unconditonally? Do you trust them not only to remain faithful, but enough to open yourself up and become completely vulnerable to them? Do you respect them enough to never try to change them in any self-serving way? I think everything falls into these 3 categories.

You have to decide for yourself what works for you obviously, and the examples I have are just my personal criteria. Please, don't settle for anyone who doesn't meet every one of your criteria. With every wrong person you date, another thing or two should go onto your list because you learn about yourself through failed relationships (or at least you should be, so if you aren't then start paying attention!)

Oh and PLEASE do not remain in a relationship with someone because they merely "treat you well". Anybody can treat you well- hell that is the bare minimum you should expect, not something to hand an award over for (the award being you)! Find someone who you also can talk about anything with, who wants your opinion on things, who makes you laugh until your stomache hurts, who shares your views of the world, who really gets who you are and loves you for you, who has similar values, and who you just can't get enough of.


Oh, and I also suggest ending your relationship if you have any of these red flags, because it doesn't have to be this way:

**If someone from the past can walk into the room and make your pulse quicken, then don't pretend to be totally in love with someone else. If they make you feel any different than any other random person, then there are still some kind of feelings there. I think even feeling anger or hurt counts. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

**If you dismiss your partner's opinions or feelings as "dumb" because they aren't the same as yours, then you do not really respect them. If something that you see as irrelevant matters to them, it should matter to you too because they matter to you.

**If you don't always take your partner's side (at least in public- you can tell them what you really think later) over anyone else's, that is not acceptable! Even if they are dead wrong, they should be able depend on you to have their back at all times.

**If someone ever makes you feel anything besides good about yourself, dump their sorry @$$! I'm not talking about them pointing out an opportunity for improvement, I am talking about belittling you or making you feel insecure.

Obviously these things should go both ways, so if it doesn't then you are in the wrong relationship. If you like my view on the way relationships should go, you can read more by clicking the "love" link to the right of the page under "My Topics".


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